How to Stop Being Self-Conscious and Love Yourself

“When you get to a certain age, you just stop caring about what people think of you” my step dad told me when I was about 20.

“Why do I have to wait that long? I want to stop caring about other’s opinion now” was my thought.

So I set out on a calculated journey to stop caring what people thought of me.

Here’s three things I’ve learned about the process.

1. Kill the Thought ASAP

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ― Viktor E. Frankl (if you haven’t, read his book Man’s Search for Meaning sooner than later)

Paying attention to our thoughts in order to catch and eliminate negative responses is absolutely crucial to any sort of personal progress.

Course correcting the negative thought is a skill that needs to be developed, practiced, strengthened, with over and over repetition… for years and years.

This thought usually comes up in self-consciousness.

I always think about being the only walking across a busy intersection.

“How am I walking? There’s four cars in a row and they’re all looking at me. Don’t walk funny. No, stop over emphasizing, you’re now walking weird and they can totally tell. Don’t make eye contact.”

The initial thought spirals downward, compounding negativity.

…unless you catch it before it gets too far off track.

The trick is to realize your mind is taking you down this pessimistic path and to course correct as soon as possible.

How?

I literally talk to myself.

“Stop that, Zach. Don’t go there. You’re making assumptions that have no basis in reality. No one is looking at you and even if they are, you’re a bad ass and it doesn’t matter. Don’t think you’re not.”

Kill the negative, judgemental and hypothetical thoughts immediately.

As soooooooon as they start to veer negative, kill them.

This is hard and takes time. You might not even know these thoughts are happening because they’re sneaky and deceptive.

So the first part is realizing that they are happening…

And then do something about it.

With practice, this process happens more quickly and becomes easier, clearing self-consciousness.

2. Go to the Extreme

Soooooo much judgment happens because of how we look.

Immediately people make assumptions about who we are because of how we look.

Often we assume the worst, that people are judging us for how we dress, what we’re wearing or other outward appearance variables.

But what people might assume about you matters absolutely nothing to who we are.

People will always always always judge, so taking proactive measures to cater to their possible assumptions is a waste of energy.

This is a hard act to correct, considering since the day you were born hundreds of millions of dollars have been designed to make you feel and look less than the others.

How do you fight it?

Go to the extreme.

To find the middle of the pendulum, you have to swing as far out as possible.

For me, it was about appearance and the fear that people were judging me.

So I pushed it to the max, forcing people to judge me.

How?

Dressing up crazy loud and going to 6th Street.

Friday afternoon I would hit a thrift store and suit up in totally outlandish, over the top outfits that forced people to judge me, laugh at me, talk to me.

Sequins. Faux leather. Painted nails. Big necklaces. All of it, swinging farrrrrrr out to the edge of the pendulum.

What you realize is that people’s looks don’t mean shit.

Someone’s appearance is a minuscule part of who they are, which creates an additional positive personal characteristic : you will stop judging people for their looks.

When you’re dressed crazy, loud, far out, that’s just an external presentation that doesn’t match inside.…

Which is literally all the time for everyone.

Realizing that someone’s appearance ≠ who they are is a great life lesson, one that can be applied multiple times daily.

One specific story reminds me of this fact.

I was walking around downtown San Diego and happened to be in front of a luxury hotel.

A beautiful Rolls Royce Phantom pulls up to the valet. That’s $400k minimum.

Suicide doors open and out pops a dude that looks literally homeless.

Long stringy unkempt hair, torn jeans, busted shirt.

Never ever in my life would I have expected that but now it’s a solid reminder…

Appearance ≠ anything worth judging someone for.

3. Give Yourself Grace and Space

There’s too many people who want you to be a certain type of way.

They aren’t you. You are you, and with practice, you can be the best you….and even when you’re not the best, still be you… and be cool with that, until you’re not, then change.

The world is evolving at a rapid pace and the best way to prepare for the future is by consistently touching base with yourself to see how you’re doing, where you can improve and where you’re doing. just. fine.

Forward movement is important, always, but you get to decide how to measure that movement.

And remember, the only person you’re competing with is yourself: you’re making the rules of the game.

For years I stopped reading. I knew I should read, but I chose not to. It was a conscious choice.

I’m cool with that because I gave myself permission to not read… for a long time. But when it came back around, I made the choice to start back up and it feels great.

I think something about fully owning your decisions also results in non-regret.

I think regret comes from letting others dictate your life or making choices because of others.

It’s your life. Make your best choices because you make them, give yourself grace when things don’t work out as planned and then create space to grow…. forever.